The Defining Moment

I  step onto the soft grass. I walk slowly at first, faster then, faster, picking up pace. Before I know it I'm running.. sprinting, faster. What am I running from? What am I running towards? Feeling fades as I feel invincible as the world before me stops and I am free, lost. Losing myself in the freedom. I run and run. Quickened breath, feeling returns. I didn't know it was numb before. I keep running, and...

I like to run. I run a lot lately. It is one of the things I look forward to everyday because it is a moment of absolute renewal. I am able to lose myself in running. Lose myself so that I can find myself. It keeps me going, keeps me sane lately. So many days sitting in my dorm room reading endless texts, writing paper after paper, eating takeout, managing relationships, adjusting...adjusting to a place in my life I didn't know I was in until it happen, adjusting to a life that I can only use one adjective to describe "adultish." Let me tell you something. A very good friend of mine recently told me that she felt like all of her friends were just at Summer Camp and that it still feels like Summer Camp will soon be over and that we will all return to high school. But... she also knows we never will. That we will never return to that moment in our lives. The Defining Moment of realization that change has occurred and that the past is now exactly that - part of the past. My Defining Moment? Well, I believe you have many, there have been many times in my life where I feel like I'm sitting beside the current version of myself waving goodbye as another milestone passes. I live in Chicago, IL and yet I still haven't had the Defining Moment where I actually comprehend that this is my home now. When do we all comprehend that change is unchangeable. Yes, I went "home" this weekend but home was no the "home" that it was when I left it. Pieces were there, but the other pieces were lost, leaving a hole. When did I become old enough to live 9 hours away from my parents? When did I become old enough to be expected to go to Memphis at 4:30a.m. and catch a Greyhound bus? When did I become old enough to buy my own tickets for a Greyhound bus? When did I become old enough to do anything I do today? When was that Defining Moment? There are many milestones yet to cross but I sat on that bus feeling... feeling many things. But mostly asking these questions. Do any of you know? Do you feel like you now carry a license to be an adult but you don't remember who gave it to you or how you got it or why you are aloud to have it? What makes you an adult?

I am an 18 year old boy born in South Dakota and raised in Jonesboro, AR. I come from a family that I am very privileged and proud to be close too. Most of my life has been defined by a struggle with my own identity and sexuality progressively discovering aspects of both year by year. It's funny that you don't see the importance of the past while it is in the present. I may not know many of my Defining Moments but I do know one thing, leaving home and moving to Chicago made me realize a couple of things. My parents are more than my parents, they are my best friends. My brother and sister are the closest ties I have to the best memories of my childhood and role models for the future. That I had a group of friends in high school that no one had. A group so perfect that it amazes me everyday. And that Brandon Rogers is my best friend, teammate, buddy, and partner, and that life... is a little too real.

I made this blog so I could lose myself in it. Lose myself in emotion so I can find myself again. It's important to find yourself, sometimes you will feel like you are drowning in life.. but I promise I will try and slow the rain...