January Day Dreams

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that it was was January 1st, New Year's Day. But sitting here on the night before the last day of January, I know it's not true. Many times I day dream back to the first day of 2011 because I was lucky enough to get to come home and plan a day for Brandon and I. Brandon would always kidnap me and take me to places I'd never think to go and we'd end up having the best day together there. This time, I pulled it off and we ended up at Powhatan State Historic Park.

The courthouse was closed but it was wonderful by the river and the fact that it was just us all the same. We then topped the day off by driving to Memphis to have dinner together downtown at t.g.i. Friday's and seeing The King's Speech at the Paradiso. I'd have to say it couldn't of been a more perfect first day of the year. I had to leave the next morning :(. That is always a hard thing.

This is the view outside my dorm window. Chicago is beautifully cold and snowy everyday. Just like the first days I came here and fell in love with the city. I've greatly enjoyed the first half of my Winter Quarter. Foundations in Cinema, Human Communication, Sreenwriting, and Ethics in Cinema have been a blast.

This is the view outside my Human CMN class downtown on the 8th Floor. I love looking out and seeing the snow flurries hide the skyscrapers. I am a DePaul tour guide now and one of the things most people fall in love with is the fact that this is the view you get from your classrooms.

Tour guiding can be pretty cold in the Winter though because the campus is under a Winter blanket. This is the quad and is now home to major snowball wars. We are on a blizzard watch for the next three days so we will see what happens lol. The following pic is what my desk looks like now:

I keep collecting random gifts from people that mean something to me, and of course everyone needs their handy dandy magic ped egg lol. I have been sending out some funny cards to people because I enjoy mailing things so if anyone else out there also enjoys this timeless practice and would like to start up a discourse I have included my address written out so eloquently by the wonderful Brittany Roe.

Trust me, you will love my stamps and stick people on balloons artwork :). February means the Oscars race is about to heat up big time and I can't wait to watch all of the nominated films!

You should also take it upon yourself to check them out! Thank you Entertainment Weekly for the update! I haven't seen them all yet but I think Inception should win. It's just too good. But props to Toy Story 3 for making me bawl like a baby. I spend alot of time at the gym as usual. Over my 6 week break at home I gained 15 pounds back. (Remember my problems with moderation). I hit the gym extra hard this month and am glad to say it's all burnt off and then some. Current weight is 191lbs! 13 more to go to reach my goal! I will be going on a cruise in the Caribbean for Spring Break and I have 6 weeks to work hard before I have to be in a place where the shirt must come off. It's crunch time and my heart is set on it.

This is me getting ready for DePaul's basketball homecoming! It was 80's themed and held in the ballroom of Chicago's Drake hotel. It felt like I was in a movie the entire night and it was definitely one of the best memories I'll carry with me in my life. The only dance that was crazier was the International Thespian Festival gay/lesbian/bi anything in the world goes dance that Emilee Elaine and I had the pleasure of attending. The following are pics from that night!

My dorm hall showing their pride for the 80's through video game flashback!

My gur Hannah and I went to the Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory on the Mag Mile before entering the ballroom! It was most definitely awesome!!!!! And the desserts were as big as our faces, but we went to town and had the best night together. I love you Hannah!

My phone died once I got into the ballroom but I managed one pic. Vaulted ceilings, columns, a couple Cher performances, a mile long buffet, dancing with friends like none other, and singing 90s music on the bus back made for a night to remember!

All in all, I'm transforming like the caterpillar I played in my school musical my senior year of high school. I'm working hard, trying my best, and taking all the opportunities I can get. Shout outs to Emilee and Elaine and Aaron Braverman who are visiting me next week and the week after respectively. It's going to be a blast! And also, I have posted 5, soon to be 6, albums of The Trip of a Lifetime that Brandon and I took this Summer on Facebook so check them out and comment and see as Courtney Hill puts it "The reason it seemed like I fell off the face of the Earth." lol And please vote on my sidebars of this blog! It's stupid but hey, so am i! lol I miss you Brandon, Lecie, Mom, Dad, Boston, Kyle and Rachel! Everyone make sure to check out my brothers journeys an www.kyleandrach.com and Lecie, thank you for what you said! You're the best sister anyone could ever have and you don't know how much I love you! 

p.s. Hope everyone enjoyed a blog post that had no major point I was building up to lol. Tell me which style you like better.

Letting Go

I am a stick in the mud sometimes.

I think everyone needs to take a step back and realize that they might be too. Sometimes in our lives and when we form relationships with people, we tend to stop ourselves, to suspend the happenings of life in perpetual motion because we can let go. The problem is that most of these hang ups don't matter, but yet they are so hard to let go of. I guess we just like to argue with ourselves. To always be known and to never give in to the inevitable or to things that just shouldn't be fought. Life and people are the way it and they will be. Trust me, you will be much happier if you can just let it go.

We all live a life that runs on it's own track but continues to infinitely bounce, affecting and being affected, off everyone and everything we come into contact with. Your ability to bounce is affected by your ability to let go.

Hey, I'll move out of the way for you
Hey, I'll move out of the way for her too

I never know what to do with my love
I never know what to do with my hands
So I put them behind my back
I put them behind my back
Behind my back

Can I move out of the way tomorrow?
Can I move into the way tonight? 

Hey, don't you know what it means when I say "hey"?
Hey see it in my face, I'm breaking
I've waited for so long
Just to know
That you'd wrap yourself around me if you couldn't let go

-Let Go by Ingrid Michaelson

You have choices. It's weird to thing that any interaction you have with someone can be looked as you getting in to the way of them living their lives. To get in the way, or not get in the way. Holding on and letting go. Asking someone out to go see a movie is just like the lyric "Can I move into the way tonight?" This is not to say that you must sit forever wanting to not get in the way. The person portrayed in the song falls in love , but yet she feels that every second she has no idea if the man she is in love with wants to be with her so she doesn't get in the way, yet inside she falls apart hoping that since he isn't leaving, that he will one day wrap his arms around her and love her - all because he couldn't let go. All of us are in our situation like this in one way or another, finding ourselves unable to let go of something always hoping that what we are holding on to hasn't let go of us either.

I was angry about the finale of LOST for a long time. When my brother got me hooked on it in it's fourth season, I watched every episode avidly and spread the word of LOST until everyone I went to school with was also hooked. It was the best show I had ever seen and it never failed to blow me away... until the end. I guess I could always tell after the third season that LOST was headed in a direction I already knew would be shaky. Instead of becoming a show about mysteries and island adventures, it was becoming a vehicle to explore the implications of science and faith. But yet, I was still hooked. THe show was too good to let that bother me then until it came down to the Final Season. All the answers were promised and all my friends and I were prepared to be blown away, but week by week, each episode went on and on, with no answers. For the first time I was content with skipping it and watching it online when I wasn't busy. It wasn't that the episodes weren't good, it was that I had built an expectation that could never be matched. Then I saw the finale... That was it?? All across America came the outcry as everyone wondered what in the hell just happened. For weeks and weeks, I was content with just saying "whatever LOST..whatever." Grey's Anatomy was there for me and I forgot about the lousy ending to LOST until this holiday break. I am an avid reader of Entertainment Weekly and if you read the magazine you know the best issue of the year is the New Years Double Issue that includes the Best and Worst in entertainment of the entire year. As I was reading, I came to an article about LOST, the final review for the show - the goodbye. I was curious and started reading the two pages in front of me. What I read changed my entire interpretation of LOST's final moments. The reviewer went on to state that the ending to LOST was perfect, it was exactly what the show set out to achieve, because in the end, LOST pulled off the ultimate feat. IF you aren't familiar with the show, each episodes presents the point of view of one character and how the Island they find themselves on makes them face their past, their hang ups, and their relationships, and show them how to let go. That none of it matters. For 6 seasons, we watched every character's journey and how they faced the questions of their lives until they finally realized it doesn't matter, just let go. With the viewer, the article stated, the show set up a thousand questions, it enticed you to want to know, it kept you entertained, it made you bite your nails, scream, cry, laugh, it took you on a journey and then just like life, just like all the other characters, it made you face up to the point of the entire show - just let go.

There are no answers to insolvable questions, the reasons to life are not always explained, and living and love and happiness is more important than answers. Just like the characters, in the end we are faced with the aspect of being asked to let go of something that affected our lives for 6 years. But when the end came... could you? After reading the article, I thought it was genius, how could I never have interpreted that? Because I wasn't ready to let go, I wasn't one of those people that could, yes it is just a show, but it's also a strong metaphor. I couldn't let go of something that was apart of me for 6 years and for months I sat brooding and unhappy, but it was pointless. Just in life, with break ups, memories, problems, questions that can't be answered, religion, politics - we argue, we fight, we question, and we forget that what's most important is being happy and the people around us. Good job LOST. You got me, and there are still thousands of people who don't understand, but now I do, and I think the ending is perfect now. I accept that. I have let go.

Yeah, I use a thousand extended metaphors and take up pages of writing for small concepts but the point is... just let go. Say you love someone. Forgive and forget. Don't grudge. Accept what you thought you couldn't before. Take a bad situation and stop taking it badly. Just let go. I had a talk recently with someone in the middle of the night who stressed to me the importance of this subject. It's funny that until she pointed this out, I didn't realize how many things I was doing that was causing a lot of stress, sadness, and problems in my own life. How much I was hurting people around me. Going into 2011, I am learning to let go more often. I was being a stick in the mud, and it was time for me to pull myself out of it. I'm Sorry.

Music & Lyrics

In film, we are taught that one of the most ignored aspects of the screen lies in sound. When referring to television programs or movies, sound just seems like it becomes part of the package that accompanies a moving image. It is in fact recorded video right? But sound happens to be the most important aspect of the overall effect of a finished product. Many times, the music and lyrics and sound effects will make or break a picture. A Disney and Pixar film is completely made from scratch and it is therefore daunting to think that every single sound heard in one of their pictures was meticulously placed there. It is these choices that carry the great importance. Would the sinking of the "Titanic" be as horrifying and captivating without James Horner's haunting score and twisted metal and victims' screams? Would "The Phantom of the Opera" still be playing on Broadway without the backdrop of an Andrew Lloyd Weber masterpiece of score. Television shows are recognized by their theme songs. "Grey's Anatomy" did away with theirs after season 2 but I still hum it to myself after 6 seasons. For me, a song is the inspiration behind any work I do. All my videos are a result of coming across a song that stands out above all others as a way of communicating across an idea I have. Without the perfect song, without an underlying score, the building of sweet music, the pulsating horror themes, the belting of soaring melodies, the hushed pauses, the electro beats, the silences placed at the right times, a moving image becomes open to interpretation. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but most artists have a vision for their work, and without sound, a director gives up his interpretation to the audience. As an audience though, we like to be told how to feel during a movie, that's why we have genres. Some people watch movies like "Mean Girls" because they want to laugh, others enter "A Nightmare on Elm Street" because they want to cringe and hold each other in fear. Without sound, the line between genres fuses into one - silence. Moving pictures which will act upon you and you in turn will use your vast storehouse of experience to draw from the material and evoke a response. This doesn't work for me. I created a senior project for my Freshman Comp, class in which I took many clips of video. When cut together, the amalgamation of videos flickered like snapshots of happy memories with my friends, many were hilarious, and would provided apt entertainment at any party. The thing though is that as a director, I get to guide how you will feel about my work, so... I deleted the sound in every clip, because without that sound, the clips become a blank slate. By chance, I had heard a snippet of song that struck me completely and after searching out the song's title from a close friend, Mary McDade Casteel, I had my inspiration. When the silent moving images were placed among the backdrop of the riveting "Videotape," by Radiohead, the clips took on a form, a genre. They worked with the music and lyrics and became more than snapshots of memories. They became flashes of distant moments and happening, of places and times, of people and friends, of emotions, and of feelings that were quickly disappearing into the silent depths of the pass existing only as silent flashes of life slipping away. (I'll post the video separately)

 It's not my best work and was ultimately a school project but the effect is something I am now revisiting in the editing room. Sound works inside of you to define your evoked response. The target audience were my fellow seniors, and being a senior, one thing that always stares you in the face is the fact that life is about to drastically change and you have no idea what you will lose in order to gain access to the next phase of your life. For these people, my friends, for myself, the music, lyrics, and image become a means of expressing that feeling. For anyone experiencing change. I think that's how a song works, we are all different and we have all experienced different things, but there are certain experiences we share, and certain songs that speak to that connection. Music is a powerful force. I don't know about you, but I live knowing that my life has a soundtrack, (one which you will most likely here me singing out loud). At any one moment there is music to express my thought, emotions, and feelings, even if that music is a momentary absence of music. If you are lost, music will find you, it did so along time ago, and lives inside us all but for now, I'm just sharing my process - the idea comes first, the song brings the idea to life and the idea is realized. Never underestimate song choice.

Must Listen:

"Dancing" Elisa & "Jar of Hearts" Chistina Perri - Just dance no matter who is watching

The music of Ingrid Michaelson - She has a song for every feeling in the range of human emotion

                        "Home" by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeroes - A song perfect for weddings, road trips, and just feeling good about life.

Andrew Belle's Album : "The Ladder" - Almost every song graced Grey's Anatomy season 6, all about the connections among relationships and holding on to yourself. (Open Your Eyes is my fav)

"Black & Gold" - Sam Sparrow

"7 Things" Miley Cyrus

"That's Not My Name" The Ting Tings

"Say It's Possible" Jay Brannan

Never undermine the importance of those important people in your life...

...let the memories flicker across the dark movie screen inside your mind until the images are burned in and never forgotten endlessly playing to the sounds of your favorite songs, not lost, but found.

I Will Be The Biggest Loser

This is more of a personal confession than a blog post. It's just something I needed to say.

If you know me, you may not know that one of the biggest struggles I have face myself with my entire life is with weight loss. Irony...right? How could Chad Morgan the king of food, of eating for pleasure, and not caring what anyone thinks about him be self conscious about weight? Well... it's true. Ever since I was young I slowly but steadily became the fat kid, I don't ever remember being at a weight that wasn't over except once and I'll reach that in a second. Food is one of my favorite things on this Earth and is my drug. I will inhale it in seconds and have an opinion on it all. Gluttony is my sin and my aphrodisiac and my problem. I use to come home from school throughout my entire twelve years and just eat...and eat...and eat.. and then my parents would come home and I would lie that I had not eaten all day and beg to go to a restaurant so I could eat even more. I deserved to turn into the person I became but every now and then I would realize how bad my situation was and then flip the mind switch and go die hard into a healthy lifestyle. My brother has always been good to me on that note, always pushing me to my potential and I remember him telling me once a long time ago that  losing weight is easier than gaining weight and I remember looking at him like he was crazy. The thing is... it is easier. Weight loss is a science. A pound of fat equals 3,500 calories and you need a certain amount of calories a day and anything you burn over that amount calculates as weight loss. It's all in the mind. That's the hard part. Some people want to ignore this science, that it really isn't that easy. I did it once. I reached my lowest weight when I was in 7th grade and I had switched schools and went anorexic in order to achieve the body I always wanted.

I was the smallest I had ever been.. but I also blacked out every time I stood up, was tired everyday, and couldn't do any activity. The stopping point came when I fainted in front of my mother and almost crack my head on tile flooring. I agreed to never do that again, that it wasn't worth it. The next few years had small ups and downs until I decided to travel with my dad on a month long journey out West. I enjoyed being with my father more than anything and seeing so many places but I soon lost control, and after that trip, I was on a runaway train. By the second semester of my junior year I was technically obese and weighing in at 262 pounds.

Size 40 in pant size, all the buttons on my large button up shirts were stretching and popping and yet I wouldn't stop eating. It's funny how food is the acceptable drug of today. I was so unhappy. So unhappy... and I had friends trying to stop it like the always wonderful Brittany Roe but I would always say live for the moment and enjoy your food. I was wrong. I used food to cover everything up. I know no moderation when it comes to food. I just don't. You know what the worst parts were... I constantly told people all Summer long that I hated swimming, just so I wouldn't have to go and take my shirt off. I missed birthday parties because of it and wouldn't go to water parks. I love swimming.. and I adore water parks. I had dreams of taking a steak knife and cutting all the fat off. I hid under layers though and no one could actually see how bad it was getting. At the start of my senior year my health went off. I felt my heart doing weird things and I sweated constantly and I couldn't do things. I felt lethargic. I was having nose bleeds that led me to a nurse's office, which led to a doctor's office where I was diagnosed with high blood pressure..at my age... and that I had to do something. My mom had the nurse check my blood pressure every two days at school. Still I did nothing. I don't know what I was waiting for but soon after I had my first surgery, a tonsillectomy and I recovered badly and it took my two weeks of pain meds to get back to normal. In those two weeks of pain narcotics, I dropped 16 pounds. I was amazed. How is that possible! Right then and there on the scale it clicked in my mind. Do it. Just do it. And I did. I went on a self designed diet rooted mostly in Kashi products and "exercised" everyday. I air quote that because I was so unhealthy it took weeks before I considered what I was doing as exercise. I made things fun and implemented Chadersize to my friends as something that I just did for fun and that what I was doing now was just what I've always said to do, just be you. But no one knew how serious this was. After two months I had made headway and weighed in at 232 pounds. 30 pounds gone!!!!! I felt good, people complimented the change and then Thanksgiving came and I became comfortable... I relapsed starting that night and didn't wake up till February. It took a while to pick myself back up but I trudged along month and month teetering around 230 trying to hold it. Then I came to DePaul. I took this as my chance and decided I was going to do this right. The right way, the healthy way. I told a close friend who I knew would be there for me in case I went astray and needed help. I started watching The Biggest Loser for information as well as incredible inspiration, I used my school gym membership to its fullest potential and started going everyday taking advantage of fitness programs and I ate healthy. The good healthy where You eat every meal with extra snacks in between and plenty of food and vitamins, you just eat the good food. I gave myself pizza and burgers every week just enough for state of mind and I worked hard. Now... I weigh 192 pounds. I'm thinner than I have been in years. Technically, I'm only ten pounds overweight now. No longer obese and no longer above the 200 harder marker. I have had bad weeks where I relapse but if you pick yourself up, it never killed me. 

The Biggest Loser was my biggest inspiration the entire time. When you fail yourself or people aren't there for you, The Biggest Loser most definitely will be. I would be in total depth of giving up because I couldn't notice results and after 45 minutes of that show I would go straight back to the gym. Running is  my thing now. That's why I started this blog with the running bit because it kind of has changed my life. I feel better than I have in a long time. Last night I achieved a goal of running a 7k straight without any problems. It was easy. two months ago, I couldn't walk at 3 miles per hour without aching and breathing hard, now I can run 6 mph easy and walk at 4.5mph which is a jogging pace for most. I surprise myself everyday and it all started with a tonsillectomy. Funny how things work out. I still haven't reached my goal of being healthy yet, but I will not give up until I finally am the person I always wanted to be on the outside. My brother Kyle is a huge inspiration, he was always trying to help me when I was younger and I want to show him that I can do it, and that one day I'll be strong enough to beat him up haha. I just always wanted to tell someone this. That I struggle a lot with something I refused to say that I struggled with. And it's still something I struggle with a lot. I am no longer afraid of myself around food I just know I need moderation and that exercise is the most important factor in all of this. I have new running shoes and I plan on emerging form the winter and into the New Year as a changed man. 2010 has been a big year. I've gone from 40 to 32 in pant size and to date have lost 70 pounds. It is possible for anyone. 1 pound of fat equals 4 sticks of butter volume wise. When you feel like you aren't seeing any results think about that.

It all adds up. Remember weight loss is a science, you just gotta study your material. There is a very wrong way and there is a simple right way. It just takes a lot of willpower to realize and to stick to it. I made my choice, and I will continue the struggle. Thanksgiving is coming up, this year, I won't give up again. My healthy weight goal 180 pounds. Find what works best for you but never hate yourself. I made that mistake too many times. It took me until the beginning of last year to learn to love my body. It's all up to you, no one else.

Emotions

I realize now that my first voyage into the world of blogging may have come across a little alarming. Let me clarify haha, I am not depressed.

I do though, prefer all things emotive and dramatic instead of whimsical comedy. That is not to say that I don't enjoy comedy, it's just that I am not particularly adept at being funny. The only laughing that occurs around me is me failing to be funny haha. My friend Katelyn Jackson on the other hand, does comedy very well, and she will make your day, so read her blog by clicking on I'm a Creep, I'm a Weirdo at the bottom of this page. What I am adept at is touching on the emotional human experience. That is what I want to do with my life - make emotively touching films that will reduce people to tears. Why? The subject matter is my favorite to deal with. My favorite film of all time is the 2005 Best Picture Oscar winner CRASH.

If you have not seen this movie, go out right now and buy it, don't rent it, buy it. The ability of something as fake as movie-making to inspire such emotion from a viewer is incredible to me. I don't think anyone can come out of this film and not be affected emotionally but it's message. I hate it when film makers don't allow viewers to experience emotion in film. It is usually brought to an abrupt end with comic relief but sometimes, people just need to cry. There should be no shame in crying, it's good for you. Which brings me to my point. I mentioned that my theme for my blog is losing yourself in order to try to find yourself again. I think there was confusion as I came across as someone who was depressed who was trying to lose the pain of life or something. No. I have experience a lot of things in my life and at times a lot of pain. Facing the journey of realizing that I was gay and dealing with that through high school was enough haha. I was lost at one point though. I was lost in a socially constructed world. That story will be for another blog entirely but the important thing is that I overcame plenty and have come out with the best support from everyone around me and could not be happier. I don't know whether my experience or my avid reading of Nicholas Spark's entire collection of novels that has turned me on to the human emotional experience. I want to touch people's lives by creating an emotional outlet. Simple enough.

I also really adore horror films with a passion though. Which you also know if you know me. (and musicals!!!) SO I guess my goal one day is to create a musical version of A Nightmare on Elm Street that carries an emotional punch of sappy tears. ;)

(That was my comic relief)

 I have declared myself and I am currently working towards a Masters degree in Media and Cinema Studies, a secondary Major in Digital Film Production, and a Minor degree in LGBT Studies. The most asked question is what my Minor has to do with the job I want. It doesn't, I believe it makes me a better person, and that everyone to some degree should have to take a class focuses on gender studies. A quote I took from the class and keep on my desk reads:

"This is the price we pay to be men: The suppression of joy, sensuality, and exuberance."

I kept that quote because it reminded me of a lot of times in my life and I also see it working on a lot of people around me. Suppression in many forms, not just men fighting to keep their masculinity. So be emotive, fight gender construction, fight social construction, be yourself. I like crying because crying can be just like running sometimes. You feel the tears coming, you feel the sense that you are about to lose control and then.. you decide to lose yourself, or you decide to stifle it, burying. Let yourself cry, the tears will eventually stop falling and you will find yourself again, and it will be better. I guess that's why I like CRASH... It's an emotional release that will wake up that part of me even when I feel like nothing can get at me.

Here are a few other suggestions to help you out:

Or check out one of my emotion film projects:

The Defining Moment

I  step onto the soft grass. I walk slowly at first, faster then, faster, picking up pace. Before I know it I'm running.. sprinting, faster. What am I running from? What am I running towards? Feeling fades as I feel invincible as the world before me stops and I am free, lost. Losing myself in the freedom. I run and run. Quickened breath, feeling returns. I didn't know it was numb before. I keep running, and...

I like to run. I run a lot lately. It is one of the things I look forward to everyday because it is a moment of absolute renewal. I am able to lose myself in running. Lose myself so that I can find myself. It keeps me going, keeps me sane lately. So many days sitting in my dorm room reading endless texts, writing paper after paper, eating takeout, managing relationships, adjusting...adjusting to a place in my life I didn't know I was in until it happen, adjusting to a life that I can only use one adjective to describe "adultish." Let me tell you something. A very good friend of mine recently told me that she felt like all of her friends were just at Summer Camp and that it still feels like Summer Camp will soon be over and that we will all return to high school. But... she also knows we never will. That we will never return to that moment in our lives. The Defining Moment of realization that change has occurred and that the past is now exactly that - part of the past. My Defining Moment? Well, I believe you have many, there have been many times in my life where I feel like I'm sitting beside the current version of myself waving goodbye as another milestone passes. I live in Chicago, IL and yet I still haven't had the Defining Moment where I actually comprehend that this is my home now. When do we all comprehend that change is unchangeable. Yes, I went "home" this weekend but home was no the "home" that it was when I left it. Pieces were there, but the other pieces were lost, leaving a hole. When did I become old enough to live 9 hours away from my parents? When did I become old enough to be expected to go to Memphis at 4:30a.m. and catch a Greyhound bus? When did I become old enough to buy my own tickets for a Greyhound bus? When did I become old enough to do anything I do today? When was that Defining Moment? There are many milestones yet to cross but I sat on that bus feeling... feeling many things. But mostly asking these questions. Do any of you know? Do you feel like you now carry a license to be an adult but you don't remember who gave it to you or how you got it or why you are aloud to have it? What makes you an adult?

I am an 18 year old boy born in South Dakota and raised in Jonesboro, AR. I come from a family that I am very privileged and proud to be close too. Most of my life has been defined by a struggle with my own identity and sexuality progressively discovering aspects of both year by year. It's funny that you don't see the importance of the past while it is in the present. I may not know many of my Defining Moments but I do know one thing, leaving home and moving to Chicago made me realize a couple of things. My parents are more than my parents, they are my best friends. My brother and sister are the closest ties I have to the best memories of my childhood and role models for the future. That I had a group of friends in high school that no one had. A group so perfect that it amazes me everyday. And that Brandon Rogers is my best friend, teammate, buddy, and partner, and that life... is a little too real.

I made this blog so I could lose myself in it. Lose myself in emotion so I can find myself again. It's important to find yourself, sometimes you will feel like you are drowning in life.. but I promise I will try and slow the rain...